Bratty Kids Should be Mauled by Bears

Despite the orthodox Christian belief in the divine inspiration and infallibility of the Bible, I know few Christians who are not bothered to at least some degree by certain passages within the Old Testament. Genocide, incest, rape and foreskin removal, it can all be found within the pages of the first 39 books of the Christian Bible. Granted, these things are not necessarily condoned by the author, but when the modern reader is merely given a glimpse of the ancient world through our own "civilized" lenses, it can be a disturbing vision, to say the least.

Case in point, the story of the prophet Elisha and his somewhat exaggerated reaction to being taunted:

"From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. "Get out of here, baldy!" they said. "Get out of here, baldy!" He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys. And he went on to Mount Carmel and from there returned to Samaria." 2 Kings 2:23-25

Admittedly, this passage brings out my twisted sense of humor, as I can't help but picture Elisha post-bear attack, casually stepping over the bodies of mauled kids while whistling a favorite Jewish hymn, a smile of smug victory pasted on his face.

But my psychological issues aside, this is a really tough passage to digest. Not only did a prophet of God ask for two bears to appear and annihilate a bunch of kids, but God himself approved of the request! I've known some really bratty kids in my time, but even at my angriest I can't say that I necessarily wanted them to be torn to shreds by a wild animal. It just seems that no matter what the circumstances, no child deserves such a bloody fate. At least, that's what I used to think.

And then I watched the following video:

Sadly, the bus monitor failed to call down a curse upon the boys, and hence two bears did not board the bus to maul their stupid little faces. Let's hope that if such a horrendous event occurs again, Karen Klein will recall Elisha's reaction, and act accordingly. Divine She-Bears...ATTACK!

Critical Thought and the Mighty Spoon Bender

According to new-age psychics, with a little concentration, anyone can "channel" their energy and exhibit super-human strength by twisting a poor, innocent utensil into a worthless hunk of metal. The YouTube comments accompanying the following video say it all. While the majority are insults (and hence, also bad internet form), the rest seem to be incredulous converts to the cult of spoon-bending, asking for advice on how to maximize the bending, and apparently buying the so-called zen sight process hook line and sinker. When watching this, some things to consider are:

Is the spoon aluminum? Is it possible that hand-warmth can heat the spoon for easier malleability? Are there any signs of editing in the video? (didn't see any, but always check) How is this different from a black-belt punching through bricks? And if not, did every black-belt exhibiting super strength in the past utilize this woman's philosophy? Are there not people in the martial arts who are, indeed, opposed to this philosophy (atheists, Orthodox Jews, Christians, Muslims, many agnostics, etc. etc.) who have kicked through oak boards or torn phone books in half?

The women's overall point, I believe, is that one can heal one's "concerns" (whatever that means), with a little focus. The unfortunate reality, however, is that those who happen to subscribe to this point of view usually appear a little more "off" than the rest of us, and hardly, if ever, display the sense of extreme enlightenment advertised by gimmicks such as these. My point is, the mind is an amazing thing, and telling me that I need to subscribe to your somewhat creepy belief system so I can bend a few spoons is quite honestly a little bit silly.You can bend a spoon? Whoopty-doo, I can do more push-ups. Now go channel a cure for cancer and I'll be impressed.

The Power Team is unimpressed with your spoons!

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